In the Land of Jason

                Once upon a time in a magical land far, far away were four fraternal farming fellows. While not a common topic for fairy tales I would like to remind the inquisitive reader that even fairy godmothers have more natural uses for pumpkins and pigs than carriages and construction. Theses four fraternal farming fellows had like many farmers in the old far away lands struggled with the problem of mundane rats. A generation before their father had discovered the wonder of the Kung Fu Felines to keep the rats in check. Rarely seen and never ever heard these fantastical creatures kept the order for a few decades. It wasn’t until the rats began their own formal Ninja training that the four fraternal farming fellows began to realize that they might have a problem.

             Like all fraternal kin in these stories they came up with four very different solutions that no doubt would result in a learning experience for small children long after their own passing. This is considered a rite of passage for those living in magical lands far, far away.

           The first brother, a good stout fellow though a bit intellectually blunted, consulted with an employee at the local hardware store. In fact, he happened upon an employee whose cousin just had had such an infestation, though unsure of what martial discipline said infesting rats had received. He suggested a tasty poison that just happened to be on sale that week. The first fraternal farming fellow satisfied and pleased with his good proceeded, proceeded to spread the Rat Be Thou Gone over his field. The results were almost immediate and the destruction to his field virtually ceased. However two weeks later he found dozens of deceased birds amongst his golden grains. With a shock he realized that the poison was being absorbed by the plants and was itself a conduit for the poison. Dejected he shared his misfortune with other fraternal farming fellows.

               The second brother headed to the library to research the history and success of various poisons. He discovered that only one poison would work to kill rats but not be absorbed into the golden crop. Purchasing it in mass quantities, he mixed it into a batch of Ye old Cheesy Bacon [1] and spread it amongst the golden grains. Within a few days rats began to die; some of high cholesterol but mostly from the poison. This good fortune and triumph he shared with his fraternal farming fellowship. Being more in the vain of traditional farmers the other two brothers nodded their heads, discussed the recent weather patterns, and waited for any unforeseen consequences. Unbeknownst to the second brother however, ninja rats abstain from processed foods thus having nothing to do with the tainted Ye Old Cheesy Bacon [1]. However Kung Fu Felines and mundane rats have no such compunction. Within two weeks, the ninja rats multiplied unchecked by the now former Fu Felines. The ninja rats quickly ballooned beyond 40 pound that not only consumed the field but had begun to bully the billy goats for their bearded bounties.

                  The third brother seeing the results of his second brother consulted other farmers down the road. There was no consensus at to which poison would work. All acknowledged the importance of Kung Fu Felines and concluded that any poison must not harm the clever but gastronomically mundane felines. One farmer had had a similar problem some years earlier and added the poison to the whipped topping used at a local coffee place that local domesticated fauna frequented. The third brother seeing the wisdom in this did just that. Kung Fu feline have little appetite for artificial dairy products always insisting on whole milk whereas the rats would consume just about anything. The rat population diminished quickly and the third farmers golden grains quickly recovered from the initial damage done. However since Ninja rats abstain from processed abominations they were left unaffected. Without competition from other rats for the golden grains, the Ninja rat population multiplied and ran the Kung Fu felines off the land. In desperation the third farmer brother spread the poison, as his first brother had, indiscriminately across his land but without any results. The ninja rats grew even larger and began to hold magical creatures hostage for gourmet organic jelly bean trees that were once the domain of popular fairytale princess franchisees. United Princess Freedom Workers Union #452 was not pleased.

                 The four fraternal farming fellows were stumped. They looked upon the third brother’s acres of deteriorating crops with fear. If they did nothing, the crop would be too small to produce seed for the coming season. With another error the Ninja rats would be unstoppable and surely begin taking over pumpkin patches, gingerbread houses, and candy cane palaces. On some questionable advice from the Yahoo answers (an indication of their desperation), the fourth farming fellow approached the first successful alchemist AKA The Alchemist (one does not need to be creative when selecting a name if you are the only quasi-scientific mind surrounded by magical minions). He had himself made a several mistakes with his sudden success, the first being that he shared his formula with an unscrupulous but charming elderly apple sales woman. [2] While being the first successful alchemist ought to bring one wealth, it only does so if you do not share your secret [3]. Gold became a very cheap and gaudy material so plentiful that even Trump tired of it. Still the alchemist had a keen mind and quickly set upon the problem.

               For nearly a month The Alchemist daily watched the ninja rats as they practiced in Ninja nooks. He noted that they were deeply disciplined when it came to their diet if not their toiletries. They shunned the local eateries whose primary ingredients were alphabetically long or dipped in anything. The ninja noble norvegici infested only the finest organic dinning restaurants. Taking note of this The Alchemist also made long lists of foods they considered delicacies; wheat germ grass, pumpkin ganache, cocoa infused colas, and fair trade triple mocha lattes. Startled by their sophistication and clear superiority over his own palate the demoralized poor alchemist returned to his gaudy and very cheap solid gold Faberge trailer home [4]. For several days he sat upon a spun gold seat when he came upon an idea. He decided to offer the remaining Kung Fu Felines some of the very fine pumpkin ganache. Though hesitant at first some of the cats did in fact take a liking it to them; though most of them were of a subspecies known for their pretentiousness. Taking heart in the general rejection, he tested the lattes next, however the cream proved very popular resulting in a few dozen very energized high trained Kung Fu Felines fairly freaking out [5]. After the Kung Fu Felines came to their senses The Alchemist offered them wheat germ grass soy smoothies. However few helpers were able handle the ensuing hacking havoc. The Alchemist had his venomous vehicle.
 

                The Alchemist then explained his theory to the last farming fellow.[6] The Alchemist purchased a floundering Whole Food Market that had been overrun with rats and turned it into the Golden Gastronomist, an all natural drink bar that catered to the discerning rat population. They became so popular that many rats themselves purchased franchises with their ill gotten jelly bean fortune. A Golden Gastronomist could be found in the corner of every field, bank, or garbage dump.

               Then suddenly ninja rats began to fall ill. By then they were hooked by the highly addictive nature of wheat germ grass on cerebellums that can only be measured in millimeters. The fourth fraternal farming fellow’s field quickly recuperated. The Kung Fu Felines kept the common rats in check and the Ninja rats were wiped out. The Golden Gastronomist chains where taken over by The Alchemist who finally realized the wealth that had for so long eluded his clever fingers. After some negotiations with the United Princess Freedom Workers #452, he obtained exclusive distribution of Princess’ Peas and Teas [6]. The four fraternal farming fellows found four fair females and founded fantastic farming futures. And of course lived happily ever after.

         As in all fairy tales about farmers and martial arts there are morals to be learned.

      Using the wrong kind of medicine can be dangerous. We must be careful that the medicine doesn’t hurt the person using it. There are some medicines that work very well but in the end have unintended and potentially severe consequences. For this reason you shouldn’t take someone else’s medicine without consulting a medical provider first. What might be fine for them may worsen your situation in the end.

          Like the second farmer’s poor plan, improper use can destroy the balance. We need bacteria. If you kill off the more mundane bacteria you can set yourself up to be overrun by a much less pleasant species. This is why medical providers don’t write for antibiotics for bronchitis, earaches, and colds like we did in the past. It’s also why antibiotic soaps, douching, and the overuse of antibiotics in farm animals are bad ideas.

         The third farmers plan didn’t hurt the helpful species but didn’t do enough to remove the more serious threat. Inadequate use of an antibiotic can create a stronger bacteria. If your medical provider has determined that a bacteria is dangerous enough to kill, it must be completely killed off. Likewise, using someone else’s antibiotics creates the potential for super bugs. It is not a good to leave behind an orphaned embittered bacteria that has been studying ancient street fighting techniques in secret so as to come back to infect you two weeks later.

       Antibiotics are most successful when they don’t cause unintended harm, they attack the correct bug, when they completely kill of the bug, and are used sparingly. Also if you are an alchemist in training remember to not share you secret until you’ve properly diversified your investments.

        Enjoy the weekend. I am so grateful that I have a little extra time to indulge my creative side a bit after such a long week. Your prayers are needed as I am growing.

             Que Dios les bendiga,

                            Jason

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1.) Ye Old Cheesy Bacon like crumbles-Not in any way intended to be mistaken for either bacon or cheese. May cause vision vomiting, intestinal sailing, and uncontrollable quoting of bad sitcoms.

2.) Snow White incorporated this into her myth so as to anger her far lovelier and health conscience sister’s apple orchards. See also “Yellowed Snow; a ruthless woman’s climb to power via exploitation of little people, song birds, and the publics fear of the elderly angiosperm salespersons.”

3.) The gnome formerly known as rumpelstiltskin (having changed his name into an unpronounceable symbol to avoid another “incident” )  would often remind the poor alchemist of this error.

4.) Gold’s heaviness and it’s over abundance made it a natural in the construction of trailers to protect them from the occasional tornado that blew in from nearby OZ.

5.) They have since erected a monument to the memories of the curtains lost in the ensuing madness

6.) With a dwindling crop the last brother financed the trip for the Alchemist to request a wish for a giant blender from a distant much diminished fairy godmother of technology. She was delighted to accept as payment the conversion of her rare hamster busts into golden “works of art”.

7.) The jelly bean trees were restored to princess’ ownership but they felt less than enthusiastic about reclaiming ownership after rats seeing the preponderance of rat dropping in the fields. Wading boots do not even come in shades of pink or purple.