In the Land of Jason

          I hesitated as to whether or not to post this entry as it feels very raw and a bit histrionic. I think its an important thing even if extremely uncomfortable thing to share. I began writing this blog over 3 years ago as I was midway through my bachelors program at UC. My purpose was to learn how to maintain a website and to introduce myself to folks. I’m a strong believer that you should know those that you support in missions both their strengths and weaknesses. Missionaries need people to care enough to pray regularly, hold them accountable, and offer respite when necessary. So now I’m at another crossroads in my path to become a nurse practitioner. Thursday I sit for my boards. If I pass I plan on working in the US for about 3 years to get experience before going overseas. In 1994, while working in the barrios of La Dolarita-Caracas, Venezuela I was moved to offer my life to God and humanity by serving in medicine. Its taken me much longer than I anticipated to get to this place. Its been a very long road for me. 

A while back someone posted that “God is with you” in regards to my boards. It made me think and reflect a bit. The last four years have been particularly rough-lots of change and work. I don’t only want God to be with me, I want to be with God. I don’t want Him to always be seeking me out as I stumble through things. The power and holy quotient will always weight heavier on His side. I blogged after going to Nicaragua about “humble expectation”.(Click here to read the original post)  Today when I go think about Thursday I approach Him in humble expectation. I know that because of metallic blood that was shed I can come into His presence. I know that I can ask for forgiveness or strength or patience or wisdom, I’m His adopted son. (I John 1:8-9, Mat 7:7-11)

Saturday I was reading in Luke and came across this in chapter 3:3-18

He went into all the country around the Jordan, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. As is written in the book of the words of Isaiah the prophet:

"A voice of one calling in the desert,

'Prepare the way for the Lord,

make straight paths for him.

Every valley shall be filled in,

every mountain and hill made low.

The crooked roads shall become straight,

the rough ways smooth.

And all mankind will see God's salvation.' "[a]

John said to the crowds coming out to be baptized by him, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not begin to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father.' For I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The axe is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire."

"What should we do then?" the crowd asked.

John answered, "The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same."

Tax collectors also came to be baptized. "Teacher," they asked, "what should we do?"

"Don't collect any more than you are required to," he told them.

     Then some soldiers asked him, "And what should we do?"

He replied, "Don't extort money and don't accuse people falsely—be content with your pay."

   The people were waiting expectantly and were all wondering in their hearts if John might possibly be the Christ. John answered them all, 'I baptize you with water. But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.'And with many other words John exhorted the people and preached the good news to them."

Wow such strong language. When I read "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?”it startled me. Can you imagine someone coming asking for forgiveness and confession after a sermon on repentance and the preacher responds like this. Its confusing and startling. John is trying to reset the basis for why these people where coming for forgiveness. You can’t expect forgiveness based just on your heritage or your just your religious affiliation. Repentence must come from some place deeper. The kind of repentence that produces authentic change. Change that invites God to come in and tear things apart and rebuild us as He would do. It’s a humbling passage. Still I come to God with humble expectation. I can because of Yeshua.

My prayer to God is that I would pass my boards if He feels that I am ready. I pray that He gives me patience and focus during the test. I pray that God will help me focus on the long things should I not pass. I will double down in my studies to retake this. I’ve asked for comfirmation that this is the path that He would have me be on and He has done so. I pray that I will not set this up as a test of God’s faithfulness. I will not test the Lord my God. I pray that if I pass that I can use the privilege as a tool to bless others in His name. Whether I pass or not I will give glory to God.

16 years since that first trip and I feel like a horse pawing impatiently at the starting gate. Have you seen them before the gates open? They restly push their body against the walls. The sound of shaking harness and snorting nostrils momentarily become audible as the crowd quiets in anticipation. Muscles contract and relax in anticipation. Just a few more moments and then the race is truly on. Strength beyond strength. Heart and lungs straining against weakness and gravity. I want to tackle that test so badly words can’t describe the emotion.

Yet I know that I am already running. I’ve already entered the great race. I have stumbled and fallen. I have bruises on my shoulders, scrapes on my knees, a limp in my step, and tightness in chest. Other runners have needed to stop and help me back up. Some of had cried out words encouragement, other whispered warnings of the lion that wanders in the woods. My legs feel weak and tremble at the thought of needing to start a new.

I Phillipians 3: 10-15 I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. 

Oh my God, what a wonder You are! You have given strength when I haven’t deserved it and used me even in my rebellion. I stand ready to accept Your will though I know that it may hurt. I will accept the outcome of Thursday as guidance as to whether I need more study or am ready to begin to serve as an NP. I am afraid to fail because I am weary. Its been sooo long. Even so You have been faithful to Your promises. When I come to You there is peace in spite of pain. So often I have neglected the fullness of worship that You deserve. I believe help my unbelief. Though Your name is unknown but You offer both your Son and Spirit to me and I praise you. I praise Your grace, holiness, might, and justice. I long for the day when You are worshiped in fullness. 

                                         Jason